The Rearview Mirror

We are back on the road again heading again to Mom and Dad's. Florida is behind us. As I look back on the past few days I'm thankful for this trip - not just Florida but down memory lane.

I spent time with family that I've not seen in more than 15 years! And in so many ways it was like we've never been apart. I've missed them. I've made a commitment to myself not to wait this long ever again to come "home."

I ate Aunt Linda's biscuits. When I say I ate them, I don't just mean a few! I ate them like they were going out of style. Between me and my Uncle Johnny (Linda's and Mom's brother) we ate a wickedly sinful number of them! Man they were good! I'm hungry now thinking about them!

I ate today at Cedar River. Its the best little seafood house in the world. I made it my personal ambition and goal to make them sorry they called my shrimp "all you can eat." I ate and ate and ate. Then I ate some more. Everyone at the table was done and they just sat and watched as I ate some more! And I drank two PITCHERS of sweet tea by myself. Good times! Man those shrimp were as good as I remember them!

I spent some time with my cousins. I love my cousins. Carol (everyone else has to call her Anita but I'm special!) and I spent time four wheeling and sharing. She was an incredible source of encouragement to me.

It was great to see Barbie again. She and I have always had a really special bond. If there is anyone that I think understood my pain and my shame, it was Barbie. We laughed as we shared strolls down memory lane - each of us remembering and reminding the other of the silliness of our youth that we'd forgotten.

It was wonderful to see that Cindy has not lost her spunk. I enjoyed hearing her laugh and seeing her zest for life again. I love to pick on her! But more than that I just love her!

The friends of my youth have grown into beautiful women of God. My heart sings their virtue and praise! I'm so thankful that there was a moment of sharing with them on my journey.

And I got to go to the beach. That was really special and sacred to me. You can read about that adventure in a previous post. I will forever cherish the stillness of that moment as my list of sins was forever erased by a grace-filled wave.

This was a trip home for me physically but it was, in so many ways, a trip that's brought me closer to the home of my Father. I started this journey with fear and trembling. Now I travel with excitement and anticipation. Who said you can never go home again? They were wrong...

Let The Revolution Begin!

I was watching a message this morning on GodTV by Bobbie Houston (wife of Pastor Bryan Houston of Hillsongs Church in Australia). She was preaching about the need for a revolution. She explained that a revolution is that which brings about radical, complete, and lasting change. I felt something tugging at my heart. It was my Father.

I realize that my Father wants to start a revolution in me. I've been trying to come up with the right words to describe what I am looking for on this journey. Words like revival, reconciliation, re-creation, and renewal have all fallen short of what I believe I most need within ME. Then I heard it this morning: What I need more than anything is a revolution.

I realize that God has redeemed me. I realize that I will forever me known as Forgiven to my Father. I know all of these things and yet there is still an internal tension within me. My cousin, Barbie, asked me yesterday after my beach experience, "When will you forgive YOURSELF?"

What I need know is a violent overthrow of ME. What my life needs more than anything else is a political assassination of the illegitimate king of my life; ME. What my heart needs more than anything is a revolution. I need a radical, complete, and lasting change within my heart. It's time for me to say these words that I have withheld for so long:

"And so today I choose to forgive ME for everything I have said and done to cause myself pain. I choose to forgive myself for monumentally blowing it. I choose to forgive myself for choosing the pigpen over the Father's house; the pit over the palace. I choose to forgive me for being me.

I break with the blood of Jesus every agreement that I have made in flesh and spirit with the enemy. I break every ungodly soul tie and transferred spirit in the name of Jesus Christ! I believe that I am a mighty man of God with a mighty future. I say in the authority of the Spirit of God, "Let the revolution now begin!""

Washed Away

I'm sitting on the beach. I've made it to this place that I've anticipated for days.

I half expected there to be Angels hovering by; they are here - they just look suspiciously like sea gulls! I hoped to see the great crowd of witnesses cheering me on; they are here but they look a lot like fellow sun-bathers! I truly expected the heavens to open as blessings fell on me - it did but it sure feels a lot like rain drops...

So I'm here looking for the divine in the handiwork of divinity. I've been staring out over the waves waiting for a divine word. I've asked a half a dozen times, out loud, "Who I am?"

And then I sat down in the sand. I thought while I'm here I will at least enjoy the surf. I sat down just within reach of the sporadic long wave. Just every now and then I would feel its cool touch.

And then I heard the question. "Who do you think you are?". I looked down and saw a broken shell that looked like a good writing tool. I saw the drying sand that looked like a perfect tablet to record my sins. And so I wrote.

In the sand I wrote the words that have defined me. I wrote words like liar. Cheater. Sinner. Loser. I wrote some other words that will forever be between me and God. Then I wrote my name. David. Then I wrote two letters: ME. I starred at the list and then looked at the far away waves and hoped.

I closed my eyes and reached with my heart towards heaven and that's when it happened. A wave came rushing farther than any other all afternoon and in an instant it was all gone. That's when I knew who I am.

I may not know what my future holds but I know that I will forever be called by my Father "Forgiven.". That's enough for me for now.

Afraid?

Well it seems that the day has finally arrived. I am going to the beach today. I've got this grand image in my mind of what it's going to be like to walk in the sand and to talk with my Father. But I also have this incredible fear that I'm not going to have what it takes to see it through. I am afraid that I've made this "appointment for an encounter" thing up in my head. I'm afraid that there is really nothing that God wants to impart to me today.

I am just afraid. That's the story of my life. I'm afraid that I'll never be happy. I'm afraid that I'll never minister again. I'm afraid that I'll keep blowing it. I'm afraid that I will always be afraid.

I read this morning something I have read a zillion times throughout my ministry - throughout my life. Job says, "That which I feared most has come upon me." I've done my best not to live in fear, but it seems now that fear is what grips me most. I keep thinking of the words to Nichole Nordeman's song, "Brave." She sings:

"So long status quo,

I think I just let go;

You make me want to be brave.

The way it always was,

Is no longer good enough;

You make me want to be brave!"

I want to be brave. I want to fight for my right to be happy. I want to hope for my right to find joy. I want to dream of my right to hear my Father say, "Well done my good and faithful servant. Enter in..." I want to be brave. But I am so afraid that all that I will ever be is... Afraid.

Amazing Grace!

I'm sitting here in Callahan, Florida watching my Aunt Linda make the most fantastic buttermilk biscuits from scratch. Wow! Those things bring back memories. I feel like a little boy all over again with my mouth watering and my taste buds anxiously waiting for lunch-time.

We are going to church soon and there is a word running through my mind and bringing a smile of anticipation to me: Grace. Amazing Grace. Marvelous Grace. Beautiful Grace.

I love that it was, according to scripture, Grace that saved me and nothing of my self. Grace rescued me. Grace chased me. Grace caught me. Grace. Magnificent Grace.

I don't deserve Grace. I can't earn Grace and I cannot repay Grace. But isn't that what makes Grace so incredible?

This morning as I think of the biscuits of my youth and I'm also mediating on the Grace I've come to know in my maturity. I truly am thankful this morning for GRACE!